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Couples Counseling in Springfield, MO
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Hello friends! This episode features Cassandra and Garth, as they talk about: couples counseling in Springfield, Missouri, how EMDR fits into relationship work, and a practical weekly check-in structure that helps couples build connection, consistency, and curiosity. You can learn more about Cassandra and her practice at: seentherapy.org. Get a taste for the episode below. If you enjoy your listen give us a follow, share, or five star review. Have a good one!
“So I think probably the best thing that you can do as a couple when you're doing a check-in is approach one another with a curious stance. That is well over half the battle. Can I seek to understand you instead of assuming that I need to be defensive?”
Hello, hello, hello friends. Welcome to the podcast where we simplify everything about mental health. Just kidding. But here's what we are gonna do. We're gonna sit down together, a licensed mental health professional, that's me, and a regular old Joe, as my husband Garth would describe himself. We're gonna talk about the nitty-gritty of EMDR, some nervous system mapping, how couples can help each other heal, what's healthy parenting actually look like, maybe a little bit of good old banter mixed in. All with the goal of making mental health a little bit simpler for you. Quick note, because my lawyer says that I have to, I'm a therapist, but not your therapist, unless I am. Even if I am, this is still just a podcast, okay? Now have a good listen. Hello friends. Today we are talking couples counseling in Springfield, Missouri. This is Cassandra. As always, I am joined by Garth.
SPEAKER_01Well, hello everyone.
SPEAKER_00Thanks for joining, Garth.
SPEAKER_01I'm happy to be here.
SPEAKER_00You keep showing up and we keep being pumped about it.
SPEAKER_01Yep. Yep.
SPEAKER_00You sound pumped too. I'm pumped. Okay.
SPEAKER_01I'm ecstatic.
SPEAKER_00Okay, so before we talk about couples counseling, can you give us some bant?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so the weather's starting to warm up around here, and I'm starting to turn my thoughts towards the summer. One of my favorite things to do in the summer is to have a cookout.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01So today's band. Cassandra, what is your favorite item on the typical cookout spread?
SPEAKER_00If you've listened to more than one episode, can you tell that Garth is a foodie? How much of our band is?
SPEAKER_01I like good food.
SPEAKER_00When you say cookout, do you mean barbecue? Like, are those synonymous?
SPEAKER_01I'm leaving that open to interpretation. I think it means different things to different people. Some people like a cookout is like hot dogs and hamburgers. Some people a cookout could be like legit barbecue, you know, something on the smoker or something.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. I mean, you smoked some things yesterday, and like you do an incredible job. When I think of like comfort food, though. Potato salad.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. You love potato salad. That was actually where my money was gonna be. I was better.
SPEAKER_00That's where your money should have been. You would have. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Would have won. How about you? I mean, yep, meat of some sort.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I mean, that's usually the star of the show.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So something on the smoker. I'm a big fan of burnt ends.
SPEAKER_00Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01Um that's if if you got some burnt ends, I'm I'm gonna crush them.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, burnt-ins are but like burnt-ins with potato salad. Like, oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_01No, I I like potato salad too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, no.
SPEAKER_01Or some pulled pork with some good, like crisp, cold coleslaw on a sandwich. That's that's pretty hard to beat.
SPEAKER_00You so excited for summer.
SPEAKER_01I'm excited.
SPEAKER_00So we should talk about this more when we're not recording an episode, but I really want to order some more flower seeds from Baker's Seeds. The yeah. Not a sponsor. The one in Mansfield, or just go. Actually, it sounds more fun to go. We don't have anything going this Saturday, so maybe that would be a good time.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Anyway, yes, starting to think of summer and really excited about that. So we just did an EMDR for series. EMDR for couples, EMDR for families, EMDR for anxiety, EMDR for depression.
SPEAKER_02Yep.
SPEAKER_00One of the things I said we would do was that we'd likely do an episode on EMDR for groups. We're not going to do an entire episode. So it's not really relevant in this episode at all. Yeah. But I just wanted to take just a really brief moment to say that I have in the past year done training to provide EMDR for groups. This is really most likely so that in the future one of our kids are a little bit older, um, maybe helping respond to like natural disasters and things like that, right? I will probably figure out ways to implement it here in the community so that the first time that I do it isn't going to respond to something like that. But I did just want to throw out for you know, maybe a clinician listening, there is training where you can do EMDR for groups and also for people listening, that it is a very different format.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But there is EMDR for groups, and most of the time it is in response, unfortunately, to something that you know is sort of catastrophic that has happened, and we're trying to provide as much desensitization as quickly as we can.
SPEAKER_01Well, you you've talked previously about recent event trauma. It's probably geared primarily toward mass recent event trauma, a group of people who have undergone the same thing that has been traumatic. Yep. Cool. I mean, not cool, but it it seems like a really good strategy.
SPEAKER_00It's not cool that it needs to exist, but not gonna yeah, not gonna do an entire episode on it, but if you want to talk to me more about it, email admin at scene therapy.org. I'm happy to send you the training that I went to. Or if you know you're just curious, as you know, somebody that's listening, as Cars refers to himself a regular old Joe, there's group EMDR therapy out there. Kind of cool.
SPEAKER_01Now you know.
SPEAKER_00Now you know. Okay, getting back to today's episode, Couples Counseling in Springfield, Missouri. So I do not claim to be someone who focuses solely on couples counseling or couples therapy. We've talked about that on the podcast. You and I talk about that a lot. When I work with couples, I do EMDR with the couples. So that's not the best option for everyone. That being said, I wanted to talk a little bit today about I do EMDR with couples. I also try to just introduce like some skill work with couples, not usually like a ton at the beginning. We're typically like sprinkling it throughout. So I just wanted to give a taste of that, like outside of the EMDR work that I do with couples, which is like when I do work with couples, it's 90% of what we're doing is like working towards EMDR work. But there's some some skill work in there too. And I wanted to just represent that in an episode and and walk you through that. So one of the things that I give the couples that I work with is a weekly couples check-in guide. And I wanted to really just kind of read through and and discuss that.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00And then by the time this episode airs, I will have an option for folks to go to our website and get a free downloadable copy of it. So if you wanted to, we'll put it in the show notes. But if you wanted to go to scene therapy.org slash couples, you could go there and get a free guide. So weekly weekly couples check-in guide. First part of the document is just going over ground rules. We want to keep the check-in time bound. So there are conveniently five different sections. We want to keep them about 10 minutes per section.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00Knowing that we've got a little bit of buffer time for an hour, right? So we've got a little bit of buffer for an hour check-in. We're gonna not interrupt one another. We're gonna let our partner finish before responding. We're taking a curious stance, right? So I think probably the best thing that you can do as a couple when you're doing a check-in is approach one another with a curious stance. That is well over half the battle. Can I seek to understand you instead of assuming that I need to be defensive?
SPEAKER_01That's just what I was gonna say. Seeking understanding instead of looking for a win. Well, and maybe not looking for a win, looking to defend yourself even, right? Coming into it with the idea you're gonna be attacked.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And now I'm interrupting you.
SPEAKER_01Oh my goodness.
SPEAKER_00But in in looking to win, we're defending ourselves, right? If I you know, it's not like people do that just to, but anyway.
SPEAKER_01You're jumping in first.
SPEAKER_00Yes, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Put our phones away, minimize distractions, write things down if helpful. Okay. So those are the basic ground rules. Okay. And again, number one takeaway, approach with curiosity.
SPEAKER_01Cool.
SPEAKER_00Here is the first point of five connection and appreciation. One thing I appreciated about you this week, a moment that made me feel close to you, something I'd like to celebrate with you that's a win, big or small.
unknownOkay.
SPEAKER_00Right. All three of those things sound like okay, like a way that I appreciated you, a way that I felt close, so something that I want to celebrate, no big deal. But doing this 52 times a year, and you know, in the ground rules, we gave the option of writing down like if you want to print off 52 of these worksheets, can you imagine getting to the end of the year and getting to flip through like 52 ways that you were appreciated by your partner that year? That's a big deal. Yeah. Like, so it starts off with kind of some, you know, warm warmness, warm things towards one another. And that's really nice. And it, you know, that doesn't always feel huge, but again, like you're having a crappy day. Could you go down and like look at the 30 ways your partners appreciated you that that year already? So then the second one is practical life check. How did our household responsibilities feel this week? How sustainable was this week? If we did it over and over, would that work for us? Any financial updates, stressors, or wins, parenting and family logistics, what's coming up, what went well, what felt hard, calendar check, important dates, commitments, time we need to set aside. So here's the two things I want to focus on here. Or I guess three actually. Logistics of finances, logistics of calendar, and then was it sustainable? I love that question because that to me is an easy way without going like, oh, this week was awful. Like, was it sustainable? If it happened again, if I knew we're gonna do this week again over next week, how would I feel about that?
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00And obviously, sometimes like if you've got the flu, it neither one of you had control over that necessarily, right? Like you had control over how you responded to it, but you wouldn't want to do it over.
SPEAKER_01I was gonna say this this provides the insights into what the stressors in your relationship could be, right? This wasn't sustainable this week because and then you start to identify those things that are opportunities for change.
SPEAKER_00Opportunities for change.
SPEAKER_01See how it's put that positive growth opportunities. Yeah, that's right.
SPEAKER_00Well, and I think you know, you and I were talking like just about this morning. You know, so we're recording this on a Monday, and Monday mornings are like, eh, I think for everybody, you know, you're transitioning into the work week. And this morning went so well. And so we were talking about like what were some of the little things. So if you asked me, was this Monday morning sustainable? I would be like, Yes, absolutely. Yeah, I would do this Monday morning over and over and over again. So I think that's a really good perspective stance again without saying like oh the today was horrible. It wasn't sustainable. I wouldn't want to do you know, last Thursday over again every Thursday. Right. That didn't work well for us. How do we make it work more effectively?
SPEAKER_01Did something happen last Thursday? Oh, okay.
SPEAKER_00That was I mean, maybe, but I had to pick a day that wasn't Monday because Monday went well.
SPEAKER_02Gotcha.
SPEAKER_00Third one is emotional and relational check-in. How did you feel loved or supported by me this week? Was there anything I did or didn't do that hurt or frustrated you? How are you feeling emotionally? And is there any unresolved tension we should talk through? So it's funny because I give this weekly couples check-in guide out to folks that I work with. Um, had a friend that was married recently, and she had shared with a group of us that they were doing weekly check-ins, and I had commented back that I feel like when we check in, the logistics are more important to me, and the emotional piece is more important for you because when I have something come up emotionally, I share it. I don't need a check-in. Right. Like I and there's pros and cons to that, right? And sometimes I need to be more reserved in that, and sometimes you need to be more vocal, right?
SPEAKER_01Like that's not it's not that's not news to us, right?
SPEAKER_00Not news to us, but I I do think when we check in for me, it's more like I get more out of the logistics of the check-in, yeah, and you get more out of the emotional check-in.
SPEAKER_01Well, for those of us that have a little bit harder time sharing emotions and things that are going on, having that space to do it is nice.
SPEAKER_00The intentional space. Yeah. So I I just wanted to make that point here that like not both people in the partnership in the marriage are not necessarily going to get the same out of every section.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Like I when we come to like emotional and relational check-in, my focus is on like hearing you and as it should be throughout the whole thing. But like I'm not gonna have as much to share there. Like, we're not gonna get to number three emotional and relational check-in and be surprised by what Cassandra has to share. Cassandra shared it already.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Throughout the week.
SPEAKER_01And I love that about you. I really do, because I think I'm somewhat the opposite and keep things and then need a spot to share them. Um so, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Sometimes I am legitimately like, okay, had we not had this moment to sit down and chat, like I don't know that I ever would have known that you felt that way. Whereas in a and and I've grown over the years, I think, especially becoming a parent, we don't always have the space to fully process things. And we do a lot of processing in front of our kids because I think that that's also helpful and and healthy, and you do too.
SPEAKER_01But I think sometimes speaking truthfully and emotionally and also having your your kids there, like it's just more difficult. I don't know, because they're we do want them to navigate relationships and express themselves, but sometimes it's you know, maybe about a friend that they have or a concern that we have or frustration with them, right? That we or frustration with a sibling, and we don't want to put that on a kid, on our kid. Uh any kid, actually.
SPEAKER_00I don't want to put it on any kid, not just ours, but but but all that to say, I have had to practice being uh, you know, let's see, containing a little a little bit more than I did pre-kids.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And so I've noticed since we've had kids that that emotional and relational check-in sometimes, you know, occasionally I'll have something to provide, but usually that section's more focused on you, and that's okay.
SPEAKER_01That's right.
SPEAKER_00And then the fourth section, growth and goals, what's one personal goal or focus you have this week? How can I support you? Is there something we'd like to work on together? Communication, fun, intimacy, health, etc. So what's one thing that I can help you achieve this week? And is there a shared goal that we have this week? You know, maybe it's for one of the kids. I started this year on our big calendar that we have in our laundry room.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Writing kid goals at the beginning of the month, uh, just to kind of keep in mind, like, okay, what's our primary, yeah, you know, and it's so for instance for our son in January, it was braces, right? Like, yeah, we're gonna get braces done, we're gonna get braces done, we're gonna, you know, and so his this year was uh or this month was a different health goal. And then next month in March it might not be related to health at all. But you know, shared goals may be related to your kids. Yeah, they may be related just to the relationship, but essentially the fourth section comes down to what's a personal goal that I can support you in, and then what's a shared goal that we have.
SPEAKER_01Yep.
SPEAKER_00Fair?
SPEAKER_01Sounds good.
SPEAKER_00Okay. Fifth point, wrapping up. When are we scheduling our next date? Whose turn is it to plan? So those go hand in hand. When is our next check-in? Go ahead and get it on the calendar. And by telling your partner the main points that you heard from them today. Okay. This wrap-up section, do not skip it. It's so important.
SPEAKER_01No, I was gonna say go ahead and skip it.
SPEAKER_00No, I say this in therapy. Don't skip the wrap-up section.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Date nights need to be happening on a regular basis, even if you're not leaving your house. It's so much easier to get through the difficult pieces of your marriage when you're having fun together.
SPEAKER_02Yep.
SPEAKER_00If you're not being intentional about scheduling that, especially once you have kids, it won't happen. Second thing, when is our next check-in? Can't tell you how many clients start these check-ins and then they don't keep going with them. Like the secret hack is don't leave the check-in until you have the next check-in scheduled. Yeah. And then it's just perpetually going.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00Right. I've even thought, and maybe I'll do this after we get off of here. I've thought about moving the first thing of the check-in to scheduling the next check-in.
SPEAKER_01Before we talk about anything else, when are we doing this again?
SPEAKER_00Before we even get started, right? Because what if we do get, you know, interrupted by a kiddo or, you know, whatever. But yeah, when are we scheduling this again? I may do that whenever we get off of the podcast. But yeah, maybe you're not in a season of life where every Sunday afternoon at 4 p.m. you can sit down together and do this. That's okay. It becomes perpetual when you just say, we will not leave this check-in until the next one is scheduled, period.
SPEAKER_01And we are on a time crunch because we have allotted one hour to do this. So let's figure it out.
SPEAKER_00And then end by telling your partner the main points that you heard from this from them today. Again, most of the work that I do with clients, when they come in, when couples come in, I'm still very focused on EMDR, right? Like I there are some people, especially in larger, more metropolitan areas, where they really they just see couples and they've got lots of different ways in which they work with couples. I am focused on EMDR, but there are these practical skills that I sprinkle in too. And one of them is reflection. And this last point in the wrapping up, the fifth section, end by telling your partner the main points that you heard from them today. That allows each of the people in the partnership, each of the people in the marriage, an opportunity to practice reflection. Yeah. I heard this from you today. Does that seem right? Right. I heard that you felt loved by me when I heard that this felt like a success to you. I heard that it's important for you to do this this week, and this is how I can support you. Right. So maybe you're looking at your notes, and you're not necessarily gonna be somebody who can pull all that out from from memory at the end of your check-in, but it does provide a really good opportunity for reflection.
SPEAKER_01Do you suggest that in this section you reflect positives? I and I that seems kind of silly, but I guess let me clarify. Would would you suggest that a partner would say, like, I heard that when I did this this week, that was upsetting?
SPEAKER_00Or or do you think there's any benefit to sticking to No, so in a reflection, we are it it's just that it's a reflection.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So right.
SPEAKER_00So when we think of like a reflection like a reflection in the mirror, sure it's you're just seeing what's there. Yeah. Okay. Yep. You're just seeing what's there. And that's kind of the the beauty of it, right? Is like I'm just showing you that I heard you.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Even if I don't agree with what I heard, even if I don't like what I heard, even if what I heard doesn't feel great. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Yeah. A reflection, a reflection's just a reflection. That's interesting. I may add that to the top as well. What is a reflection? Because we want to reflect at the end what we heard throughout the entire check-in. But also as we're going throughout this and we're keeping a curious stance, I think it would be important to not, I think it is important to reflect at each point as well.
SPEAKER_01Okay. Well, can I reflect back? I've been thinking about this while we've been talking. Sure. There's four C's to what you've talked about.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01There's consistency.
SPEAKER_00Okay.
SPEAKER_01So part of part of what this check-in. I'm listening. Oh, it could be gold. It could be not, but we'll see. So consistency. Okay. Compassion. Connection and camaraderie. Those are the four keystones, which is a K, not a C, capstones of the four capstones of your check-in.
SPEAKER_00I love it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Consistency, compassion, connection, and camaraderie.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Because there's five sections. Curiosity.
SPEAKER_00Curiosity.
SPEAKER_01There we go.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Feel free to use that.
SPEAKER_00We're consistent with one another. We're approaching one another with curiosity and compassion. We have the goal of connect connecting with one another, and we we have the maybe the shared in camaraderie. We have the shared goal of connecting with one another.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00That's great.
SPEAKER_01Thanks.
SPEAKER_00I'm gonna steal it. Consistency, compassion, connection, camaraderie, and curiosity. Look at me. Very cool.
SPEAKER_01That's that English degree paying off.
SPEAKER_00Love it. Okay, guess what?
SPEAKER_01Are we under time?
SPEAKER_00We are approaching 25 minutes.
SPEAKER_01Well, we're not under 20 minutes, but this one's pretty good.
SPEAKER_0025 hours. 25.
SPEAKER_01Shortest one ever, I think.
SPEAKER_00People are happy with 25.
SPEAKER_01Are they?
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00I think they are. Couples counseling in Springfield, Missouri. If you come see us, we are going to be doing a lot of EMDR work. We have a previous episode on that EMDR for couples. This gave you a peek into some of the more day-to-day practical things that we sprinkle in as well. Thank you so much for listening. We appreciate you. Come on back. We'll talk to you soon.
SPEAKER_01Bye.
SPEAKER_00Bye-bye. Well, that's all, folks. Please see our show notes for ways to connect with us or go give us a follow on Instagram. You can find us at Simply Mental. If this episode resonated with you, send it over to a friend. Give us a five star rating, subscribe, download all the things that cool kids are doing these days. Thanks for having me listen.